On Sleep: The First 8 Months After Having a Baby
There were times I stayed up dancing
I’ve dined at 24-hour hole-in-the-walls
I have memories of watching sunrises
And although I’d like to be in bed by 10pm, most nights I get lost
In TV, Internet, a book or think spirals
Time is an Olympic sprinter.
But once I’m sleeping
I don’t want to be woken.
I want snooze.
I want my dreams back.
I like sleep
Like poets
Like similes.
I am not alone
Which likely explains why, when people see my baby they often ask me,
“Does she sleep through the night?”
She typically sleeps in four hour increments.
Though, I am not upset
Because one day she will sleep
And I won’t get up to feed her
In the middle of the night
When my world becomes still.
When there is silence
And I’m not tempted to scroll through through my feed
Or feel badly that I’m not folding laundry.
I don’t wonder if I will ever properly fit into my pre-baby clothes,
I don’t have any regrets.
In the middle of the night
My only focus is
On this time
with you.
You become everything
And I am the same to you.
It’s humbling
And more than I could have dreamed.
It is difficult to put into words how much I miss a good night’s sleep,
But it’s harder to express how special I feel about our moment
Sitting in the pocket.
It is only a matter of time before I will get more than four hours of consecutive sleep
and if I am lucky
I will dream
Of the special quiet time
We used to share.