For My Daughters
Although I wish it were not true, believe me when I say that almost every woman I know has found themselves backed into a corner.
Maybe it’s by the boy you think you could marry,
by the girl you have had a crush on for years,
by a friend of a friend, or stranger from the bar,
It may be the first date or the fifteenth.
Sometimes, ‘no’ will come out of your mouth and somehow seem to vanish.
As if unheard, as if unspoken. Other times, ‘no’ will seem impossible.
That does not mean you need to grab its binary opposition. Never say yes,
because you don’t quite want to say no.
It might be, ” Why don’t we just try? Your lips are saying yes….I know you want it – and maybe you do, but not like this, or not right now. Not everybody who is trying to get something from you will seem sinister.
And maybe when they speak you will still be able to see the glimmer in their eye that made you swoon in the first place. Maybe when they speak a part of you will still swoon to the sound of their voice.
In Karate they teach that if you are being strangled the first thing to do, is to put your chin down and to the side. The idea being, with this extra second that you can get a breath. With the ability to breathe you can find the strength to elbow, kick and bite your attacker and hopefully break away.
Metaphoric corners are far more common than literal ones. In these instances your words, will be your power. You may need more than one tactic but keep trying – you are worth the effort.
Sometimes shutting it down forever will be easy as; it’s not you it’s me, I’m not over my ex, or I think I am going to have diarrhea.
Other times confidence will overflow; it will be easy enough to say ‘I want things slow.’
But there will be times, when you may seem stuck, where you can’t see all your options, where everything suddenly fades to black,
where you can’t quite find the words,
when neither yes nor no seems quite right.
In these moments feel free to throw me under the bus.
Say, ’my mom is a bitch who will ground me for a month if I don’t get home – right now’
Say you have your period. Camps. A deadline that slipped your mind. Say you have a cold. Say you are taking medication and just got sleepy. Say you are nauseated, maybe ate a bad lunch.
If none of those seem right, say you have to go to the bathroom. Get an extra breath. Call me any time.
Please, say something because not wanting to say no should not be your silence. Silence should not be your permission. Do not let silence swallow you.
When you are backed into a corner you, know you are in the company of millions of women.
Though you may feel isolated, know you are not alone.
You are going to get out of this.
Take a breath, find your strength and break away.