This was not your fault.
They attempt to assure you,
There’s nothing you did wrong.
Though rationally you can understand they are right,
Emotionally
It will feel devastating.
The doctor
offers analogies,
metaphors,
and similes.
Like a zipper getting stuck, trying to go up, but detecting a problem, an inconsistency,
It will not function.
It is the healthy thing for your body to do,
Your body is functioning perfectly as it is supposed to
Your body is evolution.
Your body is incredible.
It will almost sound poetic.
They do not know you used to write poems
back when you thought your heart was broken.
Looking back, it seems misdiagnosed.
What you had then was a strain,
This is heartbreak.
Back then you had a quiet confidence in your do-it-yourself skills
Believed with duck-tape and dental floss
You could fix almost anything.
This is irreparable.
Now you are an island.
Your hands and lips
Unable to come up for enough air
to rsvp
m i s c a r r i a g e
Maybe if you spell it, it won’t seem so bad,
Maybe then you can swallow it without choking.
Certainly then your 2 year old daughter will never repeat it in public.
You are struck with the question
Why is something so tragic steeped in so much silence and shame?
You feel so alone,
and broken.
Soon the silence will be broken,
When they whisper behind your back,
A word you cannot yet say in reference to yourself
A word that cuts like a chainsaw.
Your hormones are still raging,
Nausea and morning sickness once your favourite inside jokes,
Still going strong
Now only mocking you.
You are drowning in shock and disappointment.
You heart sends an SOS signal to your soul
Hoping to receive notes of compassion and kindness.
Your inbox quickly fills
All hate mail.
Subject: Your best efforts were not good enough
You become your own greatest enemy.
And you know exactly where to place grenades to maximize impact.
You are barely breathing, still silent screaming
Clinging to shiny new overweight baggage,
Before it gets too dark you need to make a plan
Even if it’s temporary… for one hour, one minute
For this second you decide to put grief on hold,
Get your duck-tape and dental floss
You can’t quite find your inner MacGiver
You Go Go Gadget scissors
Instead out pops a box of waterproof matches,
You packed them in case of rain
Never envisioned a saltwater tsunami
Though tonight you can send smoke signals
A small smile cracks your body
You take refuge in knowing your daughter and husband will come on a search mission
They will find you in a thousand pieces weeping by the fire
Grab the duck tape and dental floss.
They will do their best to put back the pieces
and they will love you
even if right now don’t quite have the skills to do-it-yourself.